Strategies for Managing Tantrums In The Moment
By: Kendra Worley, OT
As parents, we’ve all been there—the sudden meltdown in the grocery store, at a playdate, or right at home. Tantrums can be overwhelming, and yes, sometimes even a bit embarrassing. Yet, understanding what’s really going on during these intense moments can help us respond calmly, creating a safe and supportive space for our kids to work through their big emotions.
When a child has a tantrum, they’re often in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. The part of the brain responsible for self preervation reflexes takes over, while the logical, reasoning part essentially shuts down. This means that trying to discipline, reason, or teach may not work. Instead, focusing on calming your child first is the most effective way to help them—and you—navigate through the storm. Here are some tips on how to respond with empathy and patience.
Tips for Responding to Tantrums
- Focus on Self-Regulation
Instead of viewing tantrums as “bad behavior”, see them as a sign that your child is still learn how to effectively communicate and manage big emotions. This mindset will assist you to respond with empathy instead of frustration. - Take a Deep Breath
Before you react, take a moment for yourself. A deep breath can help you stay calm, which your child will pick up on. - Regulate Yourself
Remind yourself that you’re safe and capable of staying calm. Your calm presence can help set the tone for your child to calm down, too. - Try Softer, Not Harder
Softening your posture and avoiding tension helps to defuse the situation. Staying relaxed can actually be more effective than raising your voice or becoming frustrated. - Use a Calm Voice
Speaking softly and slowly in a lower tone can help trigger a sense of calm in your child. They’re more likely to respond positively to a gentle voice than a loud or hurried one. - Create a Safe Space
The “fight, flight, or freeze” response limits a child’s ability to reason or calm down quickly. Reduce stimulation by avoiding over-talking and simplifying their environment. A calming corner or some quiet time with comforting items can help toddlers process their emotions. - Limit Sensory Stimulation
The environment plays a big role in calming your child. Use natural lighting, avoid fluorescent lights when possible, and decrease extra noises. Noise-canceling headphones can be useful, as can adjusting the room temperature or removing uncomfortable clothing. - Use Deep Pressure
Deep pressure techniques like gentle massages, bear hugs, or even rolling them in a soft blanket can help soothe a child. If your child is sensitive to touch, be sure to ask or monitor their response to find what’s most comforting for them. - Stay in the Moment
Focus on helping your child calm down in the present moment rather than thinking about the behavior’s causes or consequences. Once calm, you can gently guide them back to the activity or task. - Keep It Simple
Use clear, short phrases to communicate with your child. Avoid lengthy explanations, as their ability to process may be limited during a tantrum. - Rethink “No” and “Don’t”
Instead of saying “no” or “don’t” repeatedly, offer a positive alternative. For instance, if they’re hitting, you could calmly say, “Hands down,” then redirect their attention to something else. Save strong commands like “Stop” for emergencies. - Redirect and Distract
Shifting your child’s focus can sometimes break the cycle of frustration. Engage them in a new activity or bring their attention to something positive to help ease the meltdown. - Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledge that they’re feeling upset or frustrated, and let them know it’s okay. Offer simple choices and clear instructions to help them feel understood and regain control. Letting them cry or express their emotions is natural and part of the process.
Recognizing Triggers and responding to tantrums with patience and and empathy can help your child feel safe, calm and understood. Remember tantrums are a natural part of development, and your response plays a key role in helping them learn self-regulation. By practicing these techniques, you’ll be guiding them through their emotions in a way that fosters growth and resilience.
– Kendra
